This Life Is No “Love Boat”

A reflection on living with depression/anxiety

Written by: Colin Bruce Munro Wood – 10/10/2016 – 6:11PM ET

It might have been 1980ish. I can't remember exactly. What I do remember, is spending just about every weekend with Dad, after the parents divorced. Mom had us during the week, and Mom got weekends off. Kind of why I don't have a whole lot of memories of my oh so supportive matriarch. Once the beatings stopped around age 8 or 9, just a while before their last fight, and before mom kicked dad out of 28-1 in Ely Park, Dad actually became a much more bearable person. Although, through all the craziness of my first 9 years of life, he was still always there to take us somewhere fun, do fun things with us (except sports), and watch lots of television, with popcorn that he had made is special way. Boy was it savory, my taste buds remember to this day.

Back to 1980.

Every weekend, my younger brother and I would stay with Dad in his very humble one room apartment. No kitchen, no personal bathroom. Just a room with a bed, a single burner plug in, small fridge, and a TV!! Every Friday and Saturday it was TV night in the Wood “Room” Household! Did my brother and I feel a little odd in a single room with Dad? Sure we did. But, it was a chance to see the dad we still both so cherished and honored, because he was the parent who chose to spend time with us!! So, there we were watching the Friday lineup, of Incredible Hulk, I think maybe Dukes of Hazzard and something else. Hard to remember. But, Saturday night was the night all three of us waited for. The most emotional shows on the “boob tube” (as dad would call it), every Saturday, because, well.....we were a family filled with emotions (passed along through year of genetics), would be on....Starting with Hee Haw, then the Love Boat, and Fantasy Island. Not surprising, I had a big young boy crush on Julie from Love Boat. I couldn't wait to see her smile every Saturday night.

So, why am I bringing all this up?

I'm going to focus on the ever predictive story of every Love Boat episode. You see, unlike life, TV shows, would get 60 minutes to send you on a mini roller-coaster that would represent a small moment in life. 20 minutes to suck us into the romance of the stories then 40 minutes to rip our heart out, 10 minutes to pull their crap together, and 5 minutes to say goodbye. Give and take a few commercials along the way. So many things misguided me about life in this show, that it's not worth going into. Maybe that could be a separate story, but not now. My point in this article is to talk about the roller-coaster of the life of a human being with depression and anxiety. A life where these terms were never brought up or mentioned, and so a human being, and other human beings grew up not knowing what was wrong with them, what was different about them, and why they were so much more emotional than other humans. You see, the Love Boat, offered glimpsed into our everyday realities, and packaged it into a 60 minute show that always had the happy ending. Of course, you realize this is where I mention that that is not life. That is not life at all!

“Depression is a mood disorder which prevents individuals from leading a normal life, at work socially or within their family. Seligman (1973) referred to depression as the ‘common cold’ of psychiatry because of its frequency of diagnosis. It is usually quite easy to see when someone is depressed.” (http://www.simplypsychology.org/depression.html)

The Behaviorist believes it is our upbringing and our conditioning to that environment. Freud and his phsychodynamic theory point out 6 steps to depression, and you operant conditioners, believe feel that positive things have been removed from ones life. While, these are all fine and dandy, and proven, and in my opinion pretty basic to observe, none of them were quite adept or knowledgeable of the activities within the brain structure which determine depression and anxiety, yet.

Yes, there are some like me who have suffered abuse, and fall into the descriptions laid out by these famous scientists. But, what they were ignorant at the time to, was the intricate workings of our super manipulative brains chemistry. Hence, partially explaining the reason that those with great childhoods can still suffer.

What is it all?

I wake up yesterday, I am energized, I want to plan going out later that day when every one I know of FB is going out. I get my errands done, I even take a nap, and the time comes, and something “freezes” me. I don't have any money, my clothes aren't nice enough, I look terrible, I'm fat, I'm boring, no one likes me, I ruin the party, I'm worthless....what's on TV tonight? My saving grace for the past 47 years. Somewhere where I get to see laughter, a joyous ending, something that takes my mind off my negative attributions. I don't know how to talk around others. I'm afraid I will seem too snooty, too smart, too sensitive, too angry, all over the place. I'm afraid they will see my craziness, the insanity that is me, if I let it out by accident. I worry about money, food, existence, why I'm here, why anyone is here, is there more out there in space, can humans learn to LOVE? Why do my instincts tell me one things, and society says another? Why do we hurt, kill, cheat and steal? Why do I think about these things all the time?

Then comes the next day.

I can't get up, I want to sleep all day, I hate myself, I hate the world, I'm sad and I can't figure out why. I cry, I bawl, I think about my past life, and wonder why. Later that night, I want to go out, and so I do, and I fail! Miserably! No new friends, no deep talks, nothing.

The next day comes.

I jump out of bed and start cleaning like a mad man. I sit back after a couple hours of severe back pain, and shoulder and joint pain form cleaning, but for some reason, today I am just joyous as can be, and I DONT KNOW WHY?? Am I crazy? How can I be? I've accomplished too much in my life when I put my mind to it. Oh wait, wow, it's 2016! I will check this out online.

Guess what everyone....we aren't alone. There are millions like us. There are stories and studies explaining our chemical imbalances and how they specifically address our problems and hysteria, or depressions and sadness. There are people to talk to. There ARE FRIENDS WHO CARE, and they don't even know you personally.

I only gave you a slight glimpse into my days of depression and anxiety, and there is much more. My health problems, the loads of doctor appointments, the loads of appointments I miss. Sleep deprivation, and the danger of dying any given night.

But, I want to tell you all who suffer. It's not you, it's not just your past and your upbringing, and people can't just tell you to get over it! It's an imbalance. It's chemical issues with your Serotonin, and Dopamine levels that fluctuate at what are supposed to be the right times to help us through trouble. But they don't. They drop us cold, and leave us alone in an empty room of a brain to tear ourselves apart. These chemicals can be ruined by childhood experiences, seeing and feeling things some of us should have never dealt with as children.

I for one, have forgiven my past, myself, and my mistakes in my heart, but my mind, and my chemical imbalances don't let go!

I take many meds for my health, and admittedly, am currently dosed up on different mood enhancing legal mess as well.

I supplement with the occasional MJ induction, however, not as much as I'd like to, due to restrictions in NYS.

I'm not going to use this article as a push for what is currently an illegal drug in NYS, but it's benefits far outweigh those of the pills of money-mongering institutions and doctors!

If you experience these type of daily emotions, and this type of roller-coaster life emotionally and mentally, then I beg you to get help. See your doctor, see your counselor, and get the help you fully deserve and need, without being embarrassed about it. The person sitting next to you, or on the other end of your FB texting, is probably dealing with the same thing in this ever progressively crazy world.

One day soon, the trivial “sicknesses”, mental issues, and physical conditions will all be gone, due to genetics, and DNA, and more.

Someday our peace will come, and we will be able to step off our never ending voyage, that has had no end.